Why am I the keeper of all the things? The mental load of being the default parent.
As I was driving to work today I realized I forgot to order the kids’ pizza lunch at school. I instantly felt guilty, upset with myself. “You had just thought about it yesterday, why didn’t you do it’. Then, like a ping, I thought what the hell, why does it always feel like it is all up to me?
Default parent
We all know the phrase “default parent”. It gets thrown around to describe the parent -often the mother – who seems to be the go-to for the child’s and household’s needs. From emotional comfort, to the endless lost items that you always know where they are, to school events, doctors appointments, and birthday parties, and the black hole of meal planning. It is the weight of the mental load, and it has been deposited on my shoulders. The question is, did I/we do this to ourselves, or did I/we slide into this role because of society, habits, patterns over time….
Having it both ways
It’s not like us working moms sit down and script this out: ok, so first I will do all the things, then the kids will come to me with all the things, then I must remember all the things. The feelings around this are so layered. I am both smug when the kids want only me, and annoyed when they walk past Dad to ask me to open an item or tie their pants. I am proud when I get shit done, and frustrated when I have no help. I want more of the lighthearted playful, joyful moments, but I can’t relax when the house gets to level 5 disarray. So maybe it’s me, Hi, I’m the problem, it’s me?
Thanks, but no thanks
I want to return this to sender. Thanks but no thanks, I am done. I am an amazing mother, but I must have missed where that automatically signs me up for the additional roles of secretary, supply chief, cook, cleaner, organizer, chauffeur, memory keeper, item locator, fun creator. There is a huge part of my personality that thrives on being in charge, organized, the knower and doer, but I think I have hit my max. It is not all up to me, and it is time to act accordingly. Some days it feels exhausting, some days it takes me away from the joy of parenting, and I do not want to get to where it is causing resentment.
This is going to take a bit, but here is where I am going to start.
1. Get it out of my head. Why do things only live there? And if they do, I cannot blame others for not knowing. I have the fancy calendar, use it!! Capture the information floating around me, and put it out for the household to see
2. Delegate. I am going to struggle with this. Don’t judge me, but I have a very loud tape of Ii can just do it myself” playing at all times in my head.
3. Automate anything I can… groceries, meals. Can you help me Chat?
4. Finally, I need to talk about how I am feeling. Not when it redlines and I hit my max and blow up out of nowhere. Like now, I need to talk to my family now.
Life happens in seasons. I am in a busy season and I love my life. But that doesn’t mean roll over and take it! Let’s see how this goes!
Are you the keeper of all things in your home? What is something you are ready to give back/give up being in control of?
